My Rants and Raves

3-25
Well, I’ve certainly been given a surprise. For a few hours a note from my biological father was placed in my guestbook. I must say, I am VERY shocked right now. First, I’m unsure as how he got my website. I really don’t know what to do or say. Two things though did pop into my head. The first (all directed toward my biological father): Bashing my mother (again) is not the way to get me back. It’s what pushed me away in the first place. If you don’t’ get off your kick of my mother brainwashing me, then you’ll never get me back. Second, never mention that I abandoned you again. Your right, there are two sides to everyu story and as far as I’m concerned, YOU and YOUR family did in fact leave me. I was just a child and you were NOT there for me. I am almost tempted to take my website down. No one close to me has this website and I feel violated. Very violated. It is only my drive to help others that keeps this site going. Then again, I have this site which is uninhibited (meaning, I can say what I want- no censor). Now I feel like I have to censor everything I say.

Thus, I have made this decision. I am taking down my Rants section for a time until I come to another reasonable conclusion. Those wishing to contact me, may do so directly at Ecatcher12@yahoo.com

I am sorry to do this, I ask the members/readers to please email me and let me know how much my rants section helps them and if they want it back. If you want it back, I will password protect it and only certain members may access it. So let me know what ya’ll wanna do. Again, I’m sorry, but my life has been violated and I do not want to write up here if it has to be censored…it goes against everything this website stands for. Thanks and talk to you guys later.

3-19
Okay, so this week only gets worse. Parking ticket, speeding ticket, beat up by kid, another therapist ignores my notes and suggestions and is hurting the kids progress, bad grades all around. And that was JUST today. Yesterday sucked too. Bad grades, no concentration, member of research team going out of town and I have to completely rewrite her section of the proposal :-/ And it’s just fucking Tuesday! What in the Hell am I supposed to do the rest of the week! This is insane. I’m not allowed to go to the breaking point again. I just don’t understand why I cannot catch a break. Why, why, why, why????!!! Why can’t I just have one thing happen at one time, not all at once. I just get so bogged down. It’s like God keeps testing me again and again and again…perhaps its because I keep failing. He wont’ stop until I pass one of his all or nothing tests. But, geez, it’s so fucking annoying. Yeah I want to cut so bad that my arm aches for it. Like, “come on, you know you want to, it’ll make the pain subside.” But somehow I survive without it. And I really have to. My counselor is out of town for two weeks. That’s a long time if I really think about it. Kinda sucks, but hey they have lives too. I just find it too ironic that all this shit goes down while she is gone. I’m just so tired of crap happening. Just so tired. So tired of fighting, so tired of digging through my past, so tired of…of…of just plain living. Ironically enough I told my counselor on Monday that I had not felt suicidal really since my last hospital visit. A day later, here I am with suicidal thoughts (not ideation).

3-18
It’s one of those nights…where I can’t concentrate and I just hurt. And the hurt is the only thing I see or feel or notice. It consumes me, paralyzes me. And I just can’t concentrate. I can’t do jack-shit. I just can’t get it together tonight, I need to wake up and start all over again. I feel weird today. I had a great therapy session, I sorta told her one of the things I have so far “omitted.” It’s not that I ever lie in therapy, I just seem to omit certain facts. But ya know, half the time I am not even aware of them. Like the abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother, I just didn’t realize. And there is just so much I don’t remember or recall that I’m not always entirely sure what has taken place. And so it’s one of those nights. Where I feel my lowest. My thoughts assault me, my urge is intense, but manageable. But I just feel like a piece of crap tonight. I don’t really know why, I just feel that way. I’ll get through it I’m sure…I just wish I didn’t have to get through it all the time. I wish I could be more normal. Tonight I was told I was definitely an ‘old soul’…I’m a forty year old trapped in a twenty year olds body. Which I think to some extent it is correct. I am much older and more mature than the majority of the kids my age.

Okay, I’m falling asleep, I think I’ll head off to bed as well. My body is definitely tired and I can make it through anything that may happen. (next day, what the hell did I mean by this?)

I just can’t stand this pain. It’s becoming so intolerable. I have…I have so much pain in me. Most of the time I suppress it, make it go away, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head. And down I go. I have spent all my life fighting myself and my feelings. When I was young, I had to stand guard and always think ahead. I had to be good…always. But nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was always something I could do better. Be a better student, a better athlete, a better daughter…the list goes on. If I make one slip, then Hell ensues. I don’t get a break, I’m not allowed to slip. And Heaven forbid I speak of my actual feelings. If I did that, I could be made fun of, scolded, brushed aside, ignored. But, be happy, be good and smile and it’s all good. But I guess that was never enough to keep people around, to make them love me. Everybody leaves eventually. I’ve lost all my friends over the years from the constant moving. I lost my father, my brother and the rest of the family…then I lost my mother and all of her family. So I just ask what does that leave you with at the end of the day. All I’ve ever known was people leaving. No matter what I do, they leave. I don’t understand what I did to make everyone leave. Why I was just forgotten. For sure my father’s side forgot, but why did my Mom’s side forget too. Even my Mom…I was a big girl, I was a good girl…and I was left to take care of myself, why she started her new life. Forget that I have feelings, wants and needs. They…they were just forgotten. And so now here I am - broken, in many pieces. And I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just don’t have a direction and I don’t’ know how to get one. I want to get better, I’m trying real hard. It’s just so damn hard. I don’t feel safe. Safe in the sense of opening up. All I’ve ever known was hurt and abandonment…just the thought of revealing my true feelings makes me sick. I can’t stand the rejection anymore, so I just wall myself up…that way I can never get hurt. But it just makes things worse because then I have no one and somewhere deep down inside, I just wish I had someone.

My mom swears up and down she loves me. Tells me what a wonderful difference I make in everybody’s life and I touch so many people. She tells me how proud she is of me and how much she loves me. But it’s gotten to the point where it just doesn’t matter. I mean, sure in the good times she loves me very much. But in the sour times she can’t be found…emotionally. She’s not there…she hides herself, pretends she is there for me. But I disgust her when I’m “sick.” So she yells at me, makes me feel guilty that I hurt so badly, she laughs at my feelings, hoping its all one big joke. But it’s not to me. Why can’t she love me always? Why can’t I just hurt…why does she have to hurt because I hurt. That means then I have to take care of her. I have to turn my feelings off and make sure she doesn’t get hurt because she’s been hurt more than me in life. She had it worse, so I can’t have it that bad. I can’t hurt by myself.

My dad…is this entity I don’t know…don’t know if he exists, don’t know if he’s really real. The hurt he caused is still very real, but I am removed from it. It’s been so long, I can’t even remember a lot of things. But I am scared for sure. He hurt me more times than I can count and was mean more times than I can count. I closed myself off from him long ago. It just hurt too much. And it still does. I just don’t know what to do!

My brother…is embroiled in my hatred. The last time I saw him, he was welding a weapon and chasing after me. The look of hatred in his eyes, that’s something you never forget. I tried to love him, I really did. I was there for him when he wanted to talk or needed sympathy. But all I did was get hurt three times over. Yet I shoved a lot of that hurt…for my Mom and did my best to make sure he was okay the night we thought he was a goner. I took care of things. For the boy who beat me for years because it was okay for a brother and sister to fight and wrestle. It was even funny. To them. Forget that he didn’t stop when I said stop. Forget that he was never told no when I told them it hurt. Forget that I lived in fear some days. Forget that no matter what I did, it was never good enough to surpass him. And that’s the kicker- I was more athletic, smarter, more personable…the list goes on. My brother, flunked most things, barely held a job, was involved in alcohol, girls and a not so good company. He refused to pay for a car my dad cosigned a loan for, didn’t go to classes which was being paid for, and lost his job which he got from Ron. Yet after each mishap, my parents ‘understood,’ were sympathetic and nurturing and caring. (up to a point of course) I do one little thing wrong and they blow up. I say anything about my brother, and it’s Erin, you know he’s had it rougher. Why the hell does everyone else own the monopoly on rougher or more hurt or just plain pain in general. Why am I not allowed to hurt! And is it so hard to believe that he hurt me?

And so that’s that with them. A big source of my pain. And that’s just the beginning. I don’t know how to express my pain, that much is evident. Yes, I use cutting to ease the pain. For that half hour…it’s just me conquering my pain in the only way I know how. Conquering the pain, even if its only physical has been with me for a long time. Even when I wasn’t cutting, I used sports, always pushing myself past the pain threshold. Most people are able to cry tears, clear tears from the eyes. Me, I only know the crimson red that stains my darker days. When I just can’t get past the pain, cutting saves me, gives me the outlet like none other. But yes, I would like to find an avenue to get past the cutting to express the pain. I hope one day I will.

Some days I just wish I could make the shit stop in my head. It’s like it can turn anything into something bad, can make me lose perspective, it can hide my secrets, protect the secrets and it stands guard to make sure nothing hurts me again. But then at times it interfere’s…takes over b/c it knows pain and how to protect me and is unwilling to see me go through that again.

Do you ever feel like a five hundred pound weight is weighing you down? Well mine feels like a ton. It suffocates me sometimes. And I just don’t know what to do. I can’t really explain it, but sometimes it just paralyzes me. AH, there is just SO MUCH to deal with and I don’t even know where to start. But I will admit this. I am sad. I am so sad it scares me. I see my smiling face in pictures, and sometimes I just know that’s not me. For one, I look at my Prom pictures from high school- that was the first night I cut. Well early afternoon. I was so very unhappy that night, miserable really. One of the worst nights of my life. But there I am beaming from ear to ear. I was so happy…not. Sometimes I want to be that girl I see in pictures. There are happy times for sure, when I’m working with the kids, with my brothers, sometimes with friends etc. But I just think of so many other times where I was not fine. Nights haunt me. I think most bad things have happened to me at night. Heh, maybe that feeds into the sleep ‘issue,’ who knows. I just…well I just don’t want to talk about that anymore.

I think this is a good start, my pain is overcoming me now and I’m guessing my defense mechanisms think that I’ve said quite enough.