10-26
It's been a while since I said I needed a break, and that still holds true, but I thought I'd just let you guys know I am still here fighting and this is one giant fight. Just to let you know, I probably will be going back to the hospital shortly...not necessarily because I am suicidal (I mean, I haven't been the healthiest, but still), but whatever meds I am on right now...they aren't cutting it...and with the threat of being Bipolar II looming...most likely I will be placed in the hospital because I need a safe place to regain control of my life. Basically Depression really has taken over and its time for me to start winning again. I need to get my life back. So in order to do that, if I must go to the hospital, then that is what I will do. I may be a bit off my rocker right now, but under no circumstance will I give up. I'm here for the fight and am trying to do what it takes. In the coming weeks, months I will try to post some of the thoughts I've had- I've written a lot, but for now this is all I'm putting up.

I am here in spirit, I can promise you guys that. I don't want this site to die or suffer because I am not here...there are so many people that have become a part of this site...so please make use of the message board. And I might move the message board and chat to MSN so its linked together, I know the Bravenet chat isn't that good...so you might see some changes. So basically know I am here, trying to pull for everyone and responding when I can (sorry thats not often) I really can't help others if I can't help myself first I think...I've never wanted to be fake here, so this is just a bit more realism...that it is a struggle, but that doesn't mean you have to give up or lose, its just one more hurdle we have to go across. As depressed or down as I may get, there is still some part of me that does know what to do and as hard as it is...I do it. No matter how bad I want to die some days...some part of me does want to live, I may not know how or why, but the feeling is there and rises from the depths of this madness. I've always talked about Hope here. Well, I'm hoping here guys. Please take care and stay safe...I hope in another week or two I can post some more, not sure where treatment is taking me...but please use this website in any way you need and use the message board, because I know that you guys read it and can help each other out. And if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to contact me. I will read, and perhaps sometime soon respond. I love you all, thank you for the kind messages some of you have left for me. I am hanging in there. Until next time, take care.

10-18
I need a little break guys...things aren't going well. I'm sorry.

10-17
Well, I'm back from Fall Break...came at the perfect time- I was feeling waaay down, as you might have guessed. Right now I am still way down. I have not injured myself yet though. But this is hard. I think this is the worst I've been in so long and I don't know how to ask for help. I own this website, the words written here are my own. I try to help you all, but I fear posting here on my Rants section b/c they aren't upbeat and happy and I do not wish for you guys to lose hope, just because I've done something etc. But at the same time I don't want to bull shit you. I've been wondering if I should hand control of my site over to someone who isn't so Depressed right now. Oh well, just so you guys know, I'm not doing so well. Let's hope I can make it out of this one. Talk to you guys later. Take Care.

10-11
FYI: I will be out of town until Tuesday night. I am sorry for this inconvenience, but I probably won't have computer access. I'm sorry :-( Hope everyone is alright and talk to you in a few days.

10-7
What to write, what to write...I suppose I shall begin by saying I'm okay. I know my rant wasn't the best one, but hey it was how I was feeling at the time. But I'm definitly sick of this shit. I mean really. I can go from a very nice and good high and then suddenly I want to kill myself with that kind of intensity!?? There is something very wrong here. Don't know what it is, but I sure as hell would love to find out.

Why do I feel such a burden? I do not know. There's just something inside of me...something I can't quite put my finger on. But somehow through all this mess that is my life, through the confusion and the pain...I do not cut. Why don't I cut...because I know that if I cross that line, I won't be coming back for some time. And that is something I can't afford to do. I just know that if I cut, many things will happen. First, I won't stop cutting. Second, I'll most likely attempt suicide again. Third, my life will be an utter mess, I'll be at the hospital again, flunk out of school etc. Well you get the picture. By holding back from cutting, I'm saving my life. Cutting would be the straw that broke the camels back. If I can hold back from that, I know I'll be okay. I've just drawn this line, and I'm still on this side of it. I won't step over. I just won't. It is my choice.

As much as I ever thought I'd needed cutting, needed it to stay alive, needed it to get through each day, needed it to feel real...I learned it was never a need, but a want. I chose cutting as the thing to keep me alive, though in reality it was my slow death. I chose cutting as the thing that I wanted to get me through each day. I chose cutting as what to make me real. When in the end, I could have chosen a dozen other things...I could have reached out a million times instead of closing myself off and throwing away the key. But then the great day came when I did reach out, just once...and it was enough. Though I went on a downward spiral for which I didn't emerge from for over a year...it was all worth it. I got control back over my life. Cutting once took that from me, gave me a false sense of control...it controlled me to the point I didn't know what I wanted anymore, what I needed. But now it's my choice, and my choice alone.

Memories are never far gone, nor scars soon forgotten...the nightmares still haunt my lonely eyes now and then...but at least I know that when I pick up a blade...I choose what I do with it. I choose to lay it down and live my life the way it was meant to be lived. To give up that kind of power? Never.
Hope you guys are doing well, talk to you soon. Take Care.

10-5
Hey everyone, just so you know, I am okay etc. I feel like such a failure to you all for not responded much to anything! I promise this weekend I will get on top of my guest book and other things. Please forgive me for having to take a time out to get things together. Will talk to you all soon! Take Care.

10-2
Wrote an extremely triggering rant...please proceed with caution- click this link to go to the triggering rant page: Triggering Rant. Please go to the safe haven if at any time you think you are unsafe...please! Take care.


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