Well, I think I've put this off for as long as I can. I apologize to all for my extended absence. I needed some time to get myself together. I'm still not all together and that is part of what this post is about. I am still taking an extended absence for a while, times are very rough (but I'll get to that later.) I apologize for having this site, but not making myself accessible...but it all just became too much right now. I deeply apologize to those who wrote me an email and have not gotten responses...I feel I failed you guys. Same with guest book and message boards. Once upon a time I answered every email every week (normally around 20 or so), every guest book entry (anywhere from 1-10), and when I put the message boards up, I tried to respond as much as possible (same as guest book)...for over a year I've been doing this and up to this point I had been fine, I wanted to be there for everyone in everyway I could...but I'm not perfect and eventually it was overwhelming (i had to do it all along with my hard school, friends, family, etc). I hate myself for saying that, but I've learned now, I need to do something about my health before I can help others.

All my life I've been putting band aids on everything...feeling a little hurt here- well I'll just bury it so I dont' have to deal with it, suicidal here, well I'll just go to the hospital and come out fine etc etc. It was a vicious cycle. This time, while in the hospital (yes I went) I did some major thinking and decided I couldn't just put band aids on everything, but I had to turn and face the music. I have to make lots of changes in my life and the way I live it. Like for one- forcing myself to sleep (I take a sleeping pill to do that), actually eating at least two meals a day (as opposed to nothing or one meal), not doing self destructing things to my body. And of course, facing my inner demons.

Sadly, there is a lot of my childhood that I just can't remember, and I think I don't want to remember...but now I must face it and unravel my mysteries. There is lot of rage that I harbor in me, anger I've never expressed and really noticed, until now. I now look at myself and have no idea how I can keep going, how calm and collected I seem. It's incredible to me that I can't express so many emotions- I've never really shown my anger to the outside world...there are occassional flare- ups of my temper, but it rises quickly and then just as quickly simmers. I don't throw things, yell at people, show my furiousness at all on the outside...well i suppose the scars I bare do show some of it. I can't even cry for goodness sake! All day today, I know I've wanted to do it, but no, instead I expend all my energy into cleaning! Even last night, nothing!

And now, with facing things, I'm a little scared to find out what is in my mind. It's just a complicated mess and I'm scared as shit. And to have to go through this...and not be able to hurt myself...that is hard to. It means I have to sit here, with all the thoughts pounding me, all the emotions running through me...and not get immediate relief...I have to suffer through it, try to make sense of it, face it, fear it, get through it. I don't know where I get my strength though (if you can call it that) Sometimes I am so hanging off the edge, but somehow, someway I always pull myself back up. I make the decision to pull up and I do it. Even though that means a whole shit load of problems will ensue b/c normally I've screwed up a lot of things while I was hanging...I have to pull up and face the consequences...which sometimes make me wish I'd just let go for once. I think its living with the consequences that is sometimes hardest. That is what gets you...why suicides happen in recovery. While you're depressed, sure your suicidal but too depressed to do anything about it, so you just fuck everything up. Then when you are a little better you see all the destruction you caused to yourself and those around you. That's where the test is. What sucks is I keep passing it, but I have to keep retaking the test.

So I guess what I'm trying to say essentially is to not give up. Though this rant is kinda depressing, somewhere in it I hope you are getting a sense of hope. Even if you don't think you have the strength, it's there. I can't tell you how to summon it, or how to realize it, only you can do that. But at least you know its there. And just because you cut to deal with your pain, well that doesn't make the situation hopeless...but instead shows your hope. It shows the pain you are in and the fact that you are doing something about it, just going about it the wrong way. And even if you stop cutting and then start again etc...just remember you were able to stop, whether for a day, a week, a month, a year. I've lapsed a number of times with it, its a hard struggle, but as my favorite professor tells me, just because its a lapse, doesn't mean that its a relapse. Normally the cutting, to me, signals that, whatever I'm going through, whatever stress or emotion I'm dealing with, that I don't have a strong enough coping mechanism to deal with it yet. Beating it is an up and down process...it doesn't happen in a straight line, but lots of twists and turns. Through it all though, you must be willing to change. You must be willing to put down the blade and try something new, give your trust to something/someone else to help stop the hurt. If there's one thing I've learned, its that you can't be passive in beating it. It's an active ongoing process.

I've found several new quotes that help explain how I'm feeling:

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt." This is pretty much the point I'm trying to get to.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." This is the type of strength and hope I'm talking about. Just keep on going.

"Abuse victims are always the best actors. They have to be, to live their whole lives with the pain and shame, pretending there is nothing wrong. It's the greatest performance of all." This is the most potent of all b/c it describes exactly how I am. Like my snapshot called The Great Pretenders, it tells of the performance I give day in and day out. It tells how most of us are...its why we have the cutting. After all our performing, there's no where for us to turn, no where for us to stop pretending. Even now, I still have the many faces of Erin...its like I can't get rid of them. And now I'm really tired of pretending. The family me, the student me, the friend me, the counseling me, the athletic me, and the list goes on..oh and the therapy me- the vulnerable me. It's getting ridiculous. Why can't there just be one me...why can't I look in the mirror and know who "I" am. I just want to be able to stare at my reflection and know that its me there.

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." yeah, it doesn't just come naturally, and on the outside I may look "normal" but on the inside..yeah right.

"It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience." Explaining how I get through the suicide I guess...sure I could give up and die, that'd be the easy way out...but I've volunteered to go through with this all, to go through this pain and hope that it will end and I will live my life once again.

Well, that's pretty much all the quotes I have for now. And pretty much the thoughts I have for now. I want to thank all those that have helped keep this site up, whether through keeping the message boards and guest book active, to being in chat. I'm sorry I haven't been able to do those duties, and I hope my absence doesn't diminish the site in anyway. Rest assured, though I may be silent, I am watching and will do what I can, when I can. And some days you may see changes, new poll, poems, or I may even change the chat and message boards to MSN...I haven't decided yet (and please feel free to let me know if you have an input in this!) I thank you all for your patience with me and hope you all don't hate me for my leave of absence.

But I need to fight my demon now...its pretty much now or never and I'm pretty sure I don't want the never. I am never without hope, its my motivating factor and what keeps me going. I hope (no pun intended) it can do the same to you. Know you have the strength to get through this. And cutting doesn't mean that you have failed, it means you are just trying to get through the hurt. Well, I must go now, I hope my words have had some impact and I regret I can only offer this for now. I hope to post again soon though. Talk to you all soon. Take Care.