12-27
I realize it has been a long time since I've written here...for some reason its gotten hard to write about things. Kinda weird for me. I used to write all the time, from the rants to poetry. Now it is like nothing. I wish it wasn't like that though...writing was a great release for me. And not using it...harder to get through things I think.
Well, home has definitly not been as bad as I thought it would be. At first it was rough around the edges. I was edgy, my parents were edgy. But as time passed, I got more comfortable being at home. And I think we figured out what we could talk about and what we couldn't. Granted I've done a hell of a lot more conceding than my parents. What really sucks is that anytime they make a remark and I actually tell them that their comment was mean and hurt me- they either laughed or told me I was wrong for feeling that way. It never seemed hurtful that they would say that to me, or I really never realized how it influenced me...but looking at it now, I know it must have an impact. It's strange to think of such small little words can have such an impact on the way I think about things. I've also decided my parents aren't going to be changing anytime soon, so I will have to find a way to cope. Which thus far, I think I've done a pretty good job. I was angry for a long while now about my mom and they way she has treated and manipulated me...but I think its okay now- I recognize what she has done and what she still does. It's time I let go of that. I know how to keep her at bay...I can get her to think we are close, I can laugh with the best of them. I know that may be a sad way to look at a mother/daughter relationship, but its the only thing I think is feasible. It's not doing me any good to be angry at her or try to change her and the past. That just doesn't happen.
However, I also recognize this could be my defense mechanisms rising up. I will admit that my urges and thoughts about cutting have vastly increased while being at home. But again, I choose not to go down that road. It would just add more stress to an already stressful situation. But man, I have certainly forgotten its (urge to cut) strength. What a pull. Sometimes I even miss it. Can you believe that! I miss hurting my body. Creating scars I may one day have to explain to my children. Scars I have to explain even today, to new people I meet. Funny thing to miss. But understandable...at least to cutters it is. I've met (online of course) hundreds of people who tell me that they want to stop, yet they don't want to. Some say they don't know what they would do without it. Others say they enjoy it. For each person its different, but the theme is the same. I was once afraid of letting go of it too. I didn't know how I would cope, I didn't know how I could possibly ever survive without it. It had become my faithful friend. When everything became too much, I could just hide in my little corner and enjoy the pain, or lack thereof, I was causing myself. Because I falsely believed that I was in control...in control of something! But I was wrong. Dead wrong. The minute that I couldn't put down the blade, even if I wanted...it controlled me. From the moment you make those first little cuts...or burns etc...it controls you. No matter how much you think you are the one controlling it, after all it is your hand guiding the blade across the flesh, when you realize that you can't stop cutting...meaning you can say you won't cut and then not ever cut again...thats when it hits you that you are no longer in control. I've had many lapses with cutting. That's when it controls me. When I am not cutting, that is when I am in control. You cannot say you are the one in control when you tell someone, or even say to yourself, that you MUST have cutting...or you go a few days, but you just can't make it without cutting...that is when its in control.
I am definitly a control freak. I love to control anything and everything. Once I had to make a list in my journal (at the hospital) of things that I can and cannot control. Well I can tell you that the list for things I can control was vastly larger than the things I could not control. And even then, some of the things in the cannot control list were things I knew the hospital staff would say belonged, not necessarily what I thought. Thus, part of the reason why I am able to keep from cutting is the realization that I am the one in control when I DO NOT cut, versus when I do. It's the type of control I don't like to give up, at least not easily.
Wow, this is a long rant on cutting. Now you guys know I was definitly thinking about it. Which is maybe why I decided to post tonight...to make myself remember why I chose to put down the razors.
Well, I think I am fresh out of words now. Not too much to say anymore. Christmas was pretty uneventful. I've spent a lot of time with my brothers and time out of the house. I am definitly a lot busier than I thought I would be. Thank goodness. It's not as hard as I thought it would be either (both getting out of the house AND just staying sane). It helps that I am going to be going to therapy on Monday and then once a week the rest of break AND I get to see the children I work with. I think that brings me one of the greatest joys. Working with them...it's awesome. I wouldn't give it up for anything. It cost me several fights with my parents, but when it comes to them, I stand my ground..in the end I pretty much won.
Not to vastly change the subject, but something occured to me- It seems like there are always two me's that dwell (well sometimes a lot more!) within me...sometimes I am so very afraid to do things...but then when it comes down to the wire I just do it...somebody else takes over, takes charge. Like when I was going for my training for autism...I was so freakin scared about going through with it that I almost didn't go. I made up my mind at the last moment- and then I threw myself into it- I ended up with the heaviest work load- and I was the most scared! That happens a lot. I will not be able to do something, or scared to do it, but then suddenly another person takes charge and I just do it- normally well and all out. I don't do things half way. I guess part of my extremism ( I swear I'm trying to find a middle ground!) Sometimes I thank God for that other me...it saves my ass on a number of occasions...and sometimes I wish it was here all the time. And the weird things is I'm calling it the 'other' me right now...when if I'm in that state I talk about the scared on as the 'other' me...ah what the hell am I talking about. I don't even know who I am. I wish I knew...it'd make my life easier. I just want to find out who I am. The pure unabridged, unmasked me. Will I ever be in this world without masks? Somehow I doubt that, but I reveal enough about myself to get by. But I want to do more than just get by. I want to be 'okay.' I want to be normal, whatever that means. Maybe someday. At least that is what I tell myself...some day.
Well that is it for now. I hope you all are well and will talk to you guys later. Just remember there is a some day.

12-15
Well, I haven’t written here in forever…so its time! First, I have arrived at home…not that excited. But one good thing is I have the house to myself until tomorrow night! So I can prepare myself for my parents (well really my mom’s) arrival…Must plan my responses to what she may say, my actions etc. I was thinking tonight that I was really glad I was a psych major…meaning that I can definitely bullshit my way with her, when she asks about my therapy or mental health. I have plenty of directions I can steer her in. I really have to keep her away from the dumb questions she asks, i.e. you are working too hard, maybe that is causing your problems, or school is too hard, or who knows what! Though my brain is already getting tired…it takes a lot of planning to be able to have a response to so many different behaviors or comments I will be asked etc. Ugh.
But, it needs to be done. I am not ready to really go at it. First, I can’t rock the boat yet- they still have too much of a hold on everything- financially, insurance wise etc etc…they have too many cards in their deck so to speak. And, my mind is not ready- meaning, for the kind of talk I need to have with my parents…for right now my mouth is too loose and rough around the edges, and there are still too many unknowns. So, the great pretender I shall be for a little longer.
I may post a lot while I’m home actually! I’m sure I will need a place to go to and I told you guys I would tell it like it is here…and I really haven’t been active lately, so tonight is a start! Going back to my family thought…they aren’t even here and I’ve already gotten in a fight with them (on the phone)…about how I want to work my autism job every Monday (means some traveling)…lets just say that fight was a draw- I still get to go this Monday, but she isn’t happy and will try to ban me from future ones. But I think I am fully armed for that one. We shall see.
It’s really hard to gauge how well I am doing right now. It’s like behavior wise, and a threat to myself…that has been going well- I’ve had fleeting thoughts about hurting myself, but I am able to suppress and go on. It hasn’t gained a stronghold. Suicide thoughts are non-existent for the time being. I am doing fairly well in day-to-day functioning as well. The problems and instability lie in my mind, which never sleeps. I remember telling one of friends the other night (in reference to my sleep problems- I don’t sleep)…my body is tired and will sleep, but my mind never goes to bed. Thus, I am cursed with staring at my roomies digital red alarm clock, minute after minute. Hehe, that is why God created Ambien…so I can get my sleep. Some nights I am glad I can sleep, others I wish I could stay up. But its like I know what I need to do to get myself better, and sleep seems to be one of them. It’s been stressed by so many people, my guidance counselor, therapist, professors, friends etc. And I guess the difference can be seen in that I am not suicidal, I do not wish to self injure. My moods are elevated somewhat…I am not in a catastrophic depression etc. But my mind is constantly fighting. Fighting off all those “bad” feelings that like to enter into it. It’s a very tiring process. Over the past week, I have spoken to two people I met here on my website and they were questioning their commitment to stopping self injury etc…both pretty much asked me how I “did it,” how I keep beating it and also how I accept the ups and downs we go through (both are in a down swing and don’t see how they really are getting better despite bad times) But to me it seems logical. I mean, I have Depression, no doubt. With depression, I will have lows times and high times. Especially in recovery…its never in a straight line, pretty curvy…it’s a roller coaster ride. There are going to be times you feel as if you are never going to get better…but you do, and you have good times. You just don’t notice those as much as the dark times because good times do not interfere in daily functioning. Also, I have depression, its not going away- I must accept it to go on. I can’t deny its very existence…what would that accomplish besides pushing me down further. I really thought of it this way- I was talking to a prof last week about how some student argue their grades on tests, especially multiple choice. They almost never win…I mean the prof knows the answer, its there in black and white. Instead, why don’t they just accept their answer as incorrect and ask for the right answer and most importantly WHY its right…that is what I do for my tests- I accept that my answer is wrong and just want to know what I can do to improve and understand why my answer was incorrect etc. You just accept it. What good is it going to do you to deny you are wrong, to think that if you don’t accept it, that it will just go away. Anyway, this extended analogy applies to Depression, instead of fighting ourselves on acceptance, of how its not fair that we have it, or they why me’s…accept that you have it and try to find the right way to deal with it, the right ways to cope. Sure, I went through the stages of denial, anger etc…but there comes a point when you need to accept it to move on. It does me no good to think that I will not have ‘downs.’ As my history indicates, I have severe downs and pretty big ups. I swing back and forth. Maybe in the future I will be able to have it leveled off or be able to stop the shifts, but for now I am not equipped to do that…so I learn to cope. How to handle it for now. There has been a point where I’ve shouted “why me” or why you etc…it doesn’t make sense why one person should have to go through this shit, and another not. But those are the types of answers you are NEVER going to get…but dwelling on them can make things worse. And sure, it’s not fair…but hey, as life has shown all of us- life is no fair.
Do I hate having depression? Sure. Do I hate the scars I’ve inflicted upon myself? Yeah. Do I hate the memories of hospital visits and hell? Of course. But hating what has happened doesn’t do me much good…after all, it has happened…its in the past and I can’t change it. But I can change the present, the future. Ugh, I think my brain is going down now, so I will stop for tonight. I am also posting what I wrote on the eleventh…I hope you all are doing well! Take care.

12-11
Well, I haven’t written here in forever as I was kindly reminded the other day, so I thought it was high time I got back here. I’ve gotten away from writing- not a good thing. I used to just go off, It was my major stress reliever. Then suddenly I stopped. I haven’t even written poetry, except for one for one of my autistic kids. Very unlike me. But then, I am changing and doing things differently. And what do I mean by that? Well I guess mainly it has to do with my defenses. I used to be so well guarded- I mean airtight…What was in my head stayed in my head. Outside I was this perfect “thing” who performed her job perfectly. No rocking the boat. Then finally, I was/am pushed to challenge the beliefs I used to protect for my sanity. Now when I’m home, my mouth/thoughts are looser, I may actually say what I feel for once! But that is still dangerous territory- I have to be careful of what I say because I still can’t rock the boat too much- my mom still needs to think she did a good job with me. But I, of course, know differently.
Hmmm…just had a thought, well I had it about an hour ago, but my dumb cpu was being…well dumb. Anyway, one thing I always did was protect my mom- no matter what- had to say good things about her, “act” like we were close and be “perfect.” These beliefs were never challenged except by one friend of mine. Until now in therapy. First, as you all know when I was pushed- suicide and SI factored in (though there were a lot of other reasons too)…then I got over that hump and its like the gates have opened up…it just seems like a door in my mind has been opened finally. Very interesting. I do feel freer than before…more at peace. I mean its still world war three in my head, but my hope for an end is growing stronger. It’s going to be one hell of a fight, but for once in my life, I see myself as winning. That is a good feeling in itself. Hopefully all my doors will be opened, stuff ranging from my biological father, problems with attachment, to the thoughts that berate me, and even in dealing with the nightmares of my suicidal moments (senior year) and my self injury. Those sometimes overwhelm me. I won’t go into it now, maybe later. Anyway…yeah so I’m just encouraged that there will be an end, that for once I will know what exactly lies there in my mind…and maybe through that, my heart will somehow open up…and I can begin to live life the way it is meant to be lived. I guess time will tell.
Well, that is it for me for now. I will be going home soon…I’m sure I will post…so stressful! Anyway, take care of yourselves. Talk to you soon!

12-6

NEW CHAT ROOM! That's right, I've switched to MSN for chat...the one catch is that you go to like the overall home page and there is CHAT on the left table of contents, so just click that- as for now I am NOT using MSN's message board...still with ezboard, HOWEVER on the message board, please put Chat Open if you are in chat currently, and chat closed for whoever is last one out...make sense?...please let me know if this is causing you guys any problems...I'll fix it somehow- so email me (Ecatcher12@yahoo.com) if you guys are having difficulty, okay?

Before I forget, I was looking over in my rants and I don't know if I mentioned this or not- I was in the hospital the last weekend in Oct/beginning of Nov. I will write more later on that visit...also the rant below is a reflection of what I thought/felt during that time as well.

Febuary Rants
January Rants
December Rants
November Rants
October Rants
September Rants
August Rants
July Rants
June Rants
May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants