"BADGirl" - Holden Gemini Page 24

Wrecking Yard Etiquette:

Wrecking Yard Etiquette:

(An Amusing Lesson in Using the Correct Etiquette)

This is something that was sent to me knowing what a car nut I am, I found it quiet funny, but I suppose you have to have spent some time scrounging the wrecking yards looking for that elusive part, you know the one but describe what you want till you see it, read on and enjoy, it is a long story, but one with Quiet a few chuckles along the way.

Come on a journey. Look inside the mysterious world of the wrecking yard and find out how to safely connect with the wrecker himself! Enjoy newfound joy and enlightenment as you master the elusive skills of Wrecking Yard Etiquette! Never before has a book revealed so much about this ancient craft. It opens forever the doors to wrecking yard Nirvana! Here's what some famous people have to say about Choco Monday's latest work, "Wrecking Yard Etiquette"...

"I endorse this book for all who wish to buy parts from me". Chairman, Committee for Recycled Auto Parts.

"I've never read this book, but I like it". James Dean.

"I now feel safe and secure whenever I go into a wrecking yard. J. Hewn.

"Since reading this book, I have seen God". J. Christ.

"A work of art. A true masterpiece. Choco brings the realm of the wrecking yard to the hearts and minds of the world. The greatest book ever written!" A. Nong.

"Never before have I been so moved as I have been when I read this book. Well done!" Wallacia Penrith.

"A remarkable piece of literature". Adolf Hitler.

"A piece of shit". Dennis Moreau.

"Thank you very much". Elvis Presley.  

[ For Lofty ]

WRECKING YARD ETIQUETTE

First published by Hot Rod Handbooks, September 1993

Copyright Hot Rod Handbooks, September 1993

All rights reserved. Any reference within this book to any person, living or dead, is unintentional. This book is a fabrication from the mind of the author and is not based on actual events or experiences of the author or any representative of the author. Any person does not endorse this book, group or association implied in the text in any way shape or form. Please do not sue me. The author wishes to express condolences to anyone who actually believes this shit.

WRECKING YARD ETIQUETTE

Introduction.

Unbeknown to some, there are established customs and traditions to honour when attending a wrecking yard. Aficionados of these second hand parts markets are aware of this, but to expect everyone contemplating a trip to the wreckers to know all the rules is asking a bit much. These rules include the unwritten ones; second nature to the initiated, clouded in mystery to the ignorant. However, simply knowing the rules is insufficient. The way you conduct yourself, your body language and mannerisms play a major role in determining whether or not you become a happy, satisfied patron of the wrecking yard. Think about it. Have you ever wondered why you have been charged a ridiculously high amount for a piece of grey plastic or some rusted lump of cast iron? Are you mystified as to the reason why you had to pay a wrecker for taking your old car off your hands, when you expected a handsome payment? Then it is probably due to your own ignorance of the procedures, protocols and the rituals that all prospective wreckers customers should follow religiously. Here, at last, is a complete guide to Wrecking Yard Etiquette. Let's face it; wrecking yards are mysterious, magical and wonderful places. It stands to reason that the owners and managers of these places are, also, as mystical as the grounds from which they appear to spring. So they need to be treated with the awe and respect of Demi-Gods, with their own set of customs and a culture alien to us mere mortals. Everyone's first glimpse inside a wrecking yard leaves many questions unanswered. Where do all the cars come from? Why are there so many left hand mudguards and no right hand ones? Why are there no side mirrors? Why is there no money in any of the glove boxes, consoles, under the carpet and down the backs of the seats? Why are there no jacks left in the boots of any of the cars? Where are all the door lock knobs? Why are there no BMW hubcaps? Why are there no keys in the ignitions? Why is that Rottweiler looking at me? These, and many other, questions are answered only at the discretion of the wrecker. You, the reader, must first understand Wrecking Yard Etiquette before venturing within a wrecking yard, where you may find the answers you seek.

The streets today are populated with too many cars. These cars are, all too often, populated with dickheads. Mix two cars and at least one dickhead, and you have two badly mangled cars. The dickhead can go to hospital and get stitched up or have a few broken bones reset, but the cars are not made to be repaired beyond a certain level of damage. The insurance companies have no interest in the wrecks once they have assessed them as beyond economical repair, so the wrecker buys them and stores them in wrecking yards. The few serviceable parts left on the wreck are removed, stored on racks and in shelves, then sold off to those who need them to repair their own similarly equipped car. The price they pay for that part is dependant on their ability to exercise correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette. Old, abandoned cars, more often than not, end up at the wreckers. Some cars are apparently jinxed (although it is usually the owner who is jinxed, but would never admit it) and therefore despised and unwanted, are secretly disposed of, late at night, by leaving them at the front gates of wrecking yards. Similarly, incorrigible mischief makers frequently tow the empty shells of their parts cars to the front gates of wrecking yards at all hours of the night and on public holidays, too shiftless to dispose of their own rubbish correctly, and expect the proprietors of the yard to do their dirty work for them. What these people don't realize is that, while it is the job of the wrecker to supervise the dismantling, stocking and disposal of all of these cars, it is also his job to keep the female cars separate from the males. When this control is inadvertently taken from the hands of a professional wrecker by the irresponsible acts of late night car dumpers, chaos can, and does, result. Imagine the wrecker who arrives for work to find a dozen litters of 120Y's, XA Falcons and HQ Holden’s scattered around the yard, running riot and intermingling with some of the more pedigreed models. The smell alone is enough to make a cockroach vomit! Abused and neglected cars are also a cause for concern. Some run away and end up at the wrecking yard in the hope of finding peace and contentment. What they usually get is an oxy torch through their chassis, but at least they are spared from any more misery. There is the odd case of a badly abused car being repaired and cared for by the wrecker, but these cars usually see out their last days within the confines of the wrecking yard. However, any component worth salvaging is fair game, and before long, the car is being driven naked around the yard, its shame hidden only by a thick coating of mud and grease.

There are a number of reasons to attend a wrecking yard. Some would say the only reason is to raise oneself to a higher astral plane, or to become one with the universe. All spiritual motivation aside, there are some practical reasons to visit the wreckers, and they are divided into the three basic groups as follows:

To sell the old clunker that a car yard wouldn't touch.

To get that old part which is no longer available on the shelves at the parts store or car dealer.

To browse through cars and parts to get that bracket, lever, pedal or component, which will, fit in your customised or modified vehicle.

Most families these days require two cars. One is usually the family car, the other is the "Clunker", or workhorse, purchased by Dad to get him to work and back. Eventually, this old workhorse becomes too costly to repair, or Dad makes good and buys a new-second-hand car. Either way, the workhorse is now on the market. After wasting money on classifieds for three weeks, the rego runs out, the patience wears thin from a long queue of Tyre kickers and the car, once dubbed the "Reliable daily transport", is finally towed unceremoniously to the nearest wreckers. The family with a single car develops a symbolic attachment to their daily transport, and, reluctant to break the bond between machine and human, hold on to their beloved car through even the most devastating mechanical deficiencies. Eventually, this car ends up being a burden, both financially and physically. There comes a point where common sense prevails, and the car is put up for sale. They realise, quite early in the process of selling the old girl, that the "Clunker" market is very narrow, and the wrecking yard is the only option. Then there's the fresh-faced teenager, just out of school and on the lower end of the salary scale who can only afford a cheap, ratty old "Clunker". He finds that it is less expensive to keep trading within the clunker market than to carry out the never-ending repairs to keep the current jalopy on the road in a reasonably safe condition. So, as one car fails and another Junker is purchased to replace it, the stereo is ripped out, the rego is cashed in and the old heap is flat towed to the local wrecking yard. So what's next? How do you approach the wrecker to persuade him to buy your old bomb? As an informed practitioner of Wrecking Yard Etiquette, you will reap the rewards you justly deserve, depending on how closely you adhere to the correct protocol. Let's now look at the next kind of visitor you would expect to encounter at the wrecking yard, who must also follow the strict guidelines laid out beneath the pages of this manuscript.

Cars become obsolete within weeks of their release. Well, so the new car manufacturers and dealers would have you believe. So, too, do the spare parts, and the way these new cars are built, not to mention the new age attitude towards a "Throw-Away Society", the only place left to get your parts is the wrecking yard. When seeking an elusive, out of date or obsolete part from the wrecker, the ultimate aim of the old part buyer is to make a purchase, at a reasonable price, of a second hand piece of automobile paraphernalia, in good condition, which you urgently need to make repairs on your own identical or similar car. Sounds simple and straightforward, doesn't it? Well it can be, but don't make it hard for yourself. This aim is attainable, but only if proper wrecking yard etiquette is adhered to rigorously and conscientiously.

There is one group of people yet to be identified. These individuals are more likely to incur the wrath of the wrecker more so than the other. By definition, they don't seem to care one way or another just how much they must suffer before they are able to pay an inflated price for their goods. If you fall into this category, pay strict attention to the correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette as described. It may save you a considerable amount of pain, not to mention money! Picture this. The HR Ute is shuddering a bit when you put the brakes on. One look confirms that the valiant caliper on one side and the HQ caliper on the other are not working properly. Could it be that they are mismatched? What will fit? A trip to the wrecking yard and you can see a smorgasbord of caliper brackets, discs, calipers etc. to compare with what you have. One slip up in the old etiquette, however, could see you out the door in no time, so a refresher course in the correct approach is necessary.

Now let's look at the first step in correct wrecking yard etiquette. No matter which category you fit into, there is a standard approach to follow when addressing the wrecker’s staff. First impressions are important, both for the salesman and the customer, but the customer needs the wrecker more than the wrecker needs the customer. After all, proprietors of wrecking yards are invincible, God-like people who care nothing for material possessions except for that which lies upon their hallowed turf. A wrecking yard is a sacred site. It is the last resting place for many a much loved family car, which has seen better days. Memories of Sunday drives when the kids were little, those first driving lessons, the trip to Brisbane all those years ago, all contribute to the sense of having lost a loved one when the time finally comes to cash the old girl in. Many's the time a distraught car lover has left the office with a fistful of tens and a tear in his eye. Some take one last look, a final lingering touch of the oxidised paint before walking quickly away, choking down sobs and striving painfully to hold back a flood of tears; some walk out with their heads held high, looking straight ahead, for fear of cracking up should they get a last glimpse of their old friend. A few callous, hard-nosed individuals give the appearance that they couldn't care less what happens to their car, and stroll away casually without looking back, whistling a merry tune. I suspect they are mostly hiding their grief behind a thin layer of bravado, and on arriving home, the pretence falls away and they throw themselves onto the bed, sobbing uncontrollably into their pillows. Before you even step within the hallowed boundaries of the second hand parts car world, remember that some of the other customers, just mentioned, are grieving. Be gentle and kind if a grief stricken ex-owner should bump into you, blinded by tears of grief. Don't say, ". Watch where you're going", or ". What the hell are you doing?" or some such unfeeling remark. Simply look sad and mellow, nod respectfully at the person and proceed towards the office. Don't try to engage in conversation with the bereaved, you will either get ignored or cried upon. The next step is to walk up to the counter and attract the attention of the proprietors. This is, perhaps, the most crucial stage in any person’s successful visit to a wrecking yard, and, therefore, requires the utmost adherence to the correct procedure and the attention to all aspects of Wrecking Yard Etiquette. Do not be concerned that there is only one attendant at the counter; three phones all ringing incessantly and a queue of customers waiting patiently for service. If protocol is maintained, you will be attended to in due course. Be patient. The wrecking yard proprietor is an awesome figure to behold! Fearsome behind his mask of grease and dirt, his shirtsleeves flapping wildly around his wrists, with clumps of flesh missing from his knuckles, one would think him almost incapable of rational thought, let alone communicating successfully with the general public! But don't be deceived! The wrecker is a beast of brawn, true, but from pure necessity requires the brain of an Einstein to decipher the requirements of the typical layman timidly perched at the foot of the counter, trying desperately to remember what brand of car he owns. If, by some trick of the mind, the customer remembers this small detail, he usually goes into a frenzy when asked for the year/model of the car, a necessary piece of information required to identify the component, (which has probably been completely forgotten about by this stage). So the wrecker must then exercise his uncanny, superhuman ability to read the customer's mind and probe the inner recesses of his memory to elicit the information so necessary for his purchase. Once satisfied that the correct make/year/model has been identified, the wrecker must scan his own database like mind for the infinite array of identical parts scattered around the wrecking yard. With incredibly accurate recall, the wrecker can recite part numbers, equivalent part numbers, locations, tools required to remove the sought-after part, the condition of the part, the tensile strength of the bolts connecting the part to the car, the number of kilometres on the clock of the donor car, when the donor car was purchased, from whom the donor car was purchased, the maiden name of the mother-in-law of the previous three owners of the donor car and whether the part is still on the car or has been removed and stocked conveniently under the counter. If, by some quirk of nature, the part is not available, the wrecker may offer the use of the "Hot Line" to locate the part in question from another source. Be very careful! Correct etiquette requires that you ALWAYS make use of this facility, but you must then commit yourself to purchasing the part if it can be located.

A wrecking yard invariably utilises the services of a national Hot Line with which to communicate with other wreckers. Theirs is a secret society, and it is good etiquette to face away from the wrecker when he is speaking on the Hot Line. NEVER question a wrecker on his use of the Hot Line. You are not permitted to know the intricacies of the special language required to use this service unless you are a qualified wrecker and have been initiated in accordance with the wrecker's creed. Nothing will incur the wrath of the seasoned wrecker more than to have a customer turn down the offer of a good part sourced from the Hot Line in favour of going elsewhere. When the customer invariably returns to say "I've changed my mind, order the part" after unsuccessfully traipsing around one yard after another, the wrecker must go through the ordering procedure once more. Part of the mystique of the wrecker and the wrecker's secret creed is to identify a customer with a component he is seeking, pass on a secret password to all the wreckers in the world, and prevent that customer from ever obtaining that part from no other wrecking yard but the original one. No one but the wrecker family knows how this is achieved, but once the Hot Line is accessed and the secret code passed, you must be prepared to accept the requested part at all costs, as it will never be available to you through any other channel. Ever. Be warned!

We have broached the subject of selling the old car to a wrecker, but now we will attempt to set out the guidelines and proper etiquette for maximising your advantage in this important transaction. No doubt you will fit into the categories already mentioned, or perhaps you are in different circumstances to that which are described here. Notwithstanding the reasons behind your decision to sell your car to a wreckers, the basic rules and protocols apply in all circumstances. If one aspect of correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette is omitted or modified, you will find yourself on the outside of the wrecking yard fence with no car and less money in your pocket than when you started. There is one thing you must always keep in mind when negotiating with the proprietor of the yard you have chosen to receive your family heirloom - THE WRECKER DOES NOT WANT YOUR CAR! No matter how good you think your car is, irrespective of the care you have taken to maintain your car in immaculate mechanical and aesthetic condition, the wrecker already has too many of your particular model, and none of the make/year/model car you have to sell has ever brought a profit to their business. With this in mind, you must prepare your car accordingly. Obviously, it cannot be sold at a car yard or even privately through the classifieds, either because it has suffered damage from a collision, it is too old to be popular, you haven't got time to probe the used car market, the car is stolen or its appearance is just plain ugly, faded, chipped and scratched. Whichever is the case, preparation is essential. One trick is to ensure that there is a $500 stereo system installed which cannot be removed without the aid of special tools and equipment. Another approach is to purchase four brand new, top of the range tyres prior to your trip to the wrecker or get a new battery, reconditioned engine and gearbox and a new clutch. Without all, or a combination of, these items, the wrecker will ask you for $100 to take it off your hands. With a fair mix of these items, however, you will receive $50 for the car. This is a set figure. No one has ever managed to elicit more than that amount from any wrecking yard.

You are not permitted past the counter in a wrecking yard. You are not permitted into the yard itself unless the wrecker gives explicit permission to do so. If you require permission to look through any section of the yard, there is a protocol, which you must be familiar with, or you will never be successful in convincing the wrecker that yours is a special case. Remember, you cannot possibly hope to baffle or confuse a wrecker, because he knows all things about all cars. Manufacturers of cars often consult with wrecking yard owners to ask for advice on assembling vehicles. They look upon the wrecker as their reverse engineers, so how can the layman possibly know more than the wrecker? Let's say you are converting a Holden Commodore from manual to automatic. You have chosen a wrecking yard at random and you are curious to see the set-up in an automatic transmission version of the same car. Do you simply stroll over to a car, which looks like the one you need to see? Do you pick your way through the wrecks until you find an approximate facsimile to your own vehicle? Do you peruse Vehicle I.D. and Compliance Tags hoping to spot a likely donor car? Don't forget, most of the cars are bent and twisted out of all proportion to their original shape, and are barely recognisable except to the trained eye. Exercising any of these actions would prove time consuming and, sometimes, fatal! There is a procedure to follow, and by so doing, you are accountable to no one except the proprietor of the wrecking yard. The first step is to enter the office and seek advice from the wrecker. Only he knows which conversions, replacements and modifications are worthwhile and whether you are capable of economically carrying out the work. He also knows all the extra components required to successfully complete the job. He will show you, which cars need to be available to obtain all the necessary bits, because you can be sure that all the components will never be on the one car. All cars used different panels, bolts, pedals, wires, etc. and each car from the production line was different in some small way. Yet, due to a wreckers' scientifically unexplainable instinct, he knows exactly which bits go where! He knows that only blue commodores with a VIN prefix of 022 will contain the correct number plate mounting components, which will interchange with all except red commodores with a VIN prefix of 021! But to you, the layman, they will look exactly the same! This first act of Wrecking Yard Etiquette has already saved you an unprecedented expense, and you are now indebted to the wrecker. Once the correct information has been passed on to you, and the parts sourced from either the yard or through the Hot Line, you can then pay for your parts, confident in the knowledge that everything will fit in the right place, and you will have all the required bits and pieces to finish the job. If you have been shown why you should not go ahead with your plans, correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette, at this point, would be to pay a reasonable percentage of the money you might have spent, to the wrecker, in appreciation. If you are unsure of the amount, do not hesitate to ask. All wreckers and their staff are incapable of dishonesty, and you will be happy in the knowledge that you have done the right thing. Another scenario is the boy racer. He wants a special gear stick knob, but is unsure of how to explain its appearance, having only seen it on a passing car three weeks ago, and wants to browse through the cars until he recognises it. His friend, also, needs a dashboard switch for his spotlights, and wishes to look through the cars to see what is around. Another customer seeks some axles or some other front-end components to make a home built trailer. Even the odd modern artist has been known to scout the wrecking yards for post impressionist automabilia art deco, so these people, also, need to browse freely. Only by following the correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette will the wrecker obligingly give permission to pick and poke through his property. The happy customers are then led to the back of the yard and invited to look around. From here on in, there are strict guidelines applicable to the privileged few who have been able to satisfy the wrecker’s staff of their special need to browse the sanctity of this much-hallowed ground.

You are not permitted to use the wrecker’s tools. This would be a travesty of the wrecker’s creed, a transgression of the unwritten law. You are permitted to carry your own shifter and screwdriver, but that is all! If you are unable to remove the component you require from a car you have found, then the component was never meant to be yours. If you have no tools, the wrecker may allot a time whereby he will send in his specialist apprentice dismantler and trouble-shooter to remove the part for you. You will be asked to wait a considerable time while this task is undertaken, but the results are usually worth the delay. After all, the apprentice must relocate his radio to within head-banging distance from where he must work, the part to be removed must be raised to a comfortable level so that undue strain is not unfairly imposed on the apprentice's arms and the energy required to carry out the task must be created and sustained with frequent snacks, life-giving cigarettes and cups of sweet, strong coffee.

You must not destroy an otherwise serviceable component to get to the one you require. The proprietor of the wrecking yard will call upon his supernatural powers to detect the damage wrought by an unsuspecting browser upon a car or part, which may or may not have made a sale to another person. The cost to the browser, when producing the parts for scrutiny, will include the cost of the damaged item(s) plus an extra charge for denying the wrecker the opportunity of removing the part himself in a more professional manner.

You may collect parts not connected with the reason you are browsing. For instance, you may have been successful in gaining access to the yard for the purpose of seeking a suitable alternative to an obsolete or customised accelerator cable. In the process, you notice a handbrake that would replace the one in your own car you suspect is showing signs of wear. When submitting the parts for pricing, the wrecker will automatically include his fee for removing the part himself, as he would have done it anyway. This is acceptable Wrecking Yard Etiquette, and is not to be compromised.

You may not maneuver the cars. All cars are strategically placed for access to all serviceable parts. Do not attempt to persuade the wrecker to shuffle cars around so you may remove a component, which you think may be the one you seek. The wrecker, as stated, is God-like in his perception, and has telepathically inventoried his stock to permit access to only good, useable parts.

Fear not a mountain of car bodies. Don't be concerned if you are removing a panel from a vehicle, which has five other vehicles, perched precariously on old rims one atop the other. The wrecker has attained a skill in balancing cars on top of each other, which no ordinary man can equal. An earth tremor measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale would not be sufficient to topple the tallest tier of cars in a yard.

Never startle a wrecking yard snake. These snakes are specially permitted a free run in the wrecking yard to eliminate frogs which sometimes secrete poisonous fluids on car bodies. These snakes are deadly poisonous, but the wrecker has trained them not to bite customers, so don't be afraid to talk gently to the snake and even give him a nice friendly pat. Invariably, the snake will slither quietly along in his quest to protect the cars from evil frogs, leaving you free to carry on uninterrupted. Wrecking yard dogs also are a special breed, which have been trained to recognise the difference between a customer and a thief, and may even assist you by sniffing out those hard to get pieces. Just ask the dog to "...fetch the slave cylinder", or "....fetch HQ fender" or some other part. After closing-time or when spotting an unauthorised browser, however, the dog reverts to his true identity as an enraged, salivating, fierce protector of old car bodies and parts, loyal only to his master.

It is forbidden to effect repairs on site. Once you have purchased your part(s), you are obliged to leave the premises. Not only is it improper Wrecking Yard Etiquette to fit your new part(s) immediately, there are also no facilities for repairing your car within the boundaries of the wrecking yard. This is written in the Wreckers Code of Conduct, and rightly so. If not, all repair shops would become redundant, because, as stated, wreckers know all things about all cars.

Never ask for assistance to carry your goods to your car. This is very bad Wrecking Yard Etiquette. You are responsible for the movements of your parts after money has changed hands. The wrecker cannot be held responsible for your property after this time, and even if you blow a gasket in struggling to get out the door with a 9 inch diff with the wheels still on it, the wrecker is only interested in serving the next customer. You will be charged storage at a rate determined by the wrecker if you take too long or an ambulance comes to cart you off to Hospital and you leave your car at the yard. No matter which way you eventually get your bits, there is one thing you will never get away with. No matter how small the part, no matter how insignificant or unimportant, the wrecker ALWAYS knows if you have stashed a bit in your pocket. His built in radar detects even the smallest pieces of plastic, self-tappers and hoses. If you perchance upon a handy little franger, vacuum plug, self-tapper, shoulder bolt, bracket or chrome trim item, and secret it away on your person, the wrecker will know! He will not search you. He will not question the telltale bulge in your pocket. He will not comment on the fact that you are breaking out in a cold sweat and shaking uncontrollably at the counter, nor will the wrecker make mention of your inability to speak clearly and succinctly when declaring goods for pricing. But you will pay. Maybe not then. Maybe not at that yard. But you will pay! There are no exceptions. All wreckers are tuned in to the same wavelength, and they know! So if you are fortunate enough to be given the privilege of browsing, declare all your articles at the front desk, no matter how insignificant you might believe the part to be.

Contrary to popular belief, the price of goods sourced from wreckers can be negotiated. Of course, there is a procedure to follow, and the correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette must be maintained, but you can negotiate a successful bid on just about any component available for sale at the wreckers. The protocol in this case takes some effort, and you will not always be successful, however, if you develop these skills at an early age, it may save you quite a considerable amount as your Wrecking Yard Etiquette improves, which would usually be as you enter your twilight years. The only reason you will need to exercise these bargaining skills is if you decide that you are going to negotiate. Do not even attempt to haggle with a wrecker if you are not prepared to follow the rules and apply correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette at the appropriate moment. Disregard the time-honoured conventions, and you will invariably come away with an empty wallet, but feeling as if you have put one over on the wreckers staff. Not until much later will you realise your mistake. So remember this...if you are going to bid for a part, make sure you are prepared! First, find out how much the part costs new. Get a price from a number of sources, and average them out. Secondly, when you present yourself to the wrecker, let him know that you intend to bargain with him by asking about their mark down policy from new to second hand. Don't worry, they do not mind passing on this information. Thirdly, calculate the second-hand cost from the figure the wrecker gave you - you now have a price with which to work on. For example, you need a Hold-on Trarna steering universal. You have received quotes from various outlets, and the average cost is estimated at Ninety Dollars. The wrecker has kindly informed you that they work on a fifty percent mark down - half the new cost. What you would reasonably expect the wrecker to quote you will be about Forty-Five Dollars. The wrecker will then quote you his price, and you may then respond - this is to be the only response which protocol allows (be assured that the wrecker's quote will always be higher than the one which you have estimated as the market value according to the wrecker's mark-down. In this case, forty-five dollars). Then, dependant on the wrecker's mood at the time, this first and only response may be accepted or rejected. If the wrecker quoted eighty-five dollars, you would respond with forty-five. The wrecker may then say no or perhaps eighty dollars. Do not attempt to re-negotiate the price. Accept the wrecker's offer and be grateful. If, on the other hand, you reject the offer, then you might as well simply walk away. Even if you realise the folly of your rejection, and you ask for the part, it will be double the original price. If you were successful, and your offer was accepted, well and good. If not, there's always next time. To continue bargaining is wasting your time and money, for the wrecker will immediately revert to his original price if a second offer is made.

WARNING!!

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SAY THIS:

"I can buy it new for less than that"

This statement will immediately suspend any and all bargaining powers you may once have had. You will always pay the top price for second hand parts for the rest of your life, at any and all wrecking yards around the world! You have been warned! A ploy used by some in a fit of madness is to claim that all the money they have in the world is that which is in their pocket at the time. As if to offer some sort of proof of their statement, pockets are emptied and the contents quickly tallied. The urgency of their need for the particular part, clutched vice-like in the hands of the pitiful customer, cannot be stressed strongly enough or often enough, and this, coupled with his obvious squalor, his worn old clothes in tatters, tears of sadness streaming across his cheeks, is intended to provoke a form of sympathy from the wrecker. Oh Lord! What fools these mortals be! If a quick search of the wallet were to take place, a cache of fifty-dollar bills would almost certainly reveal the true depth of this customer's poverty. Of course, this is not necessary. Have we not yet established the immense power the wrecker possesses? A simple wave of his meaty, ham-like hand and the all-important part simply vanishes, snatched from the customer's clutches. Only the soft tinkling from the back of the stock room gives any indication of the new location of the part, aside from the ghostly entry in the stock list mysteriously appearing, written in by an invisible hand! The customer, shamed, beaten, humbled, stumbles out the door and speeds off into the gloom, never to return. Another trick that has been attempted by the ignorant is to pretend that you "No Speak English". Imagine, to your surprise, when the wrecker speaks in your own tongue, using the exact dialect from the district you originally hail, asking you to please pay double the price for trying to deceive him. Most of these charlatans pay immediately and flee for their lives, believing the wrecker to be possessed by the Devil! In reality, the wrecker has only spoken in his own tongue and forced you to interpret his words in your mind through the power of the wrecker's own brain waves.

Just as important as your arrival is the departure. If you have observed the protocols and followed correctly your Wrecking Yard Etiquette, then you will feel obliged to say something nice to the proprietor of the yard. Remember, however, that these people are above ordinary mortals, and need no confirmation of their reverence and stature. If you must thank them, or grovel at their feet, do so, for at least it will mean something to you, if not the wrecker. If you are clutching a wad of money after a successful sale of a car to the wrecker, feel honoured, but not humbled. If you have negotiated for a part and have been lucky this time, feel privileged but not smug. To ensure that respect has been shown, do not turn your back immediately on completion of your transaction. Back up at least three steps, looking meekly at the ground all the time, then turn smartly and walk out the door. Speak to no one else whilst inside the office, and then only in dulcet tones once on the outside. You already know that wreckers are omnipresent, and will detect any slur on their character, creating an awkward situation should you require the services of a wrecker in the future.

Sometimes, it is necessary for you to return to a wrecker a part which has failed to perform correctly. This is a necessary evil in life, as it has been the work of mortal men, which created the part in the first place. It is never the wrecking yard proprietor's fault if a part snaps when doing it up, cracks when put to service for the first time, short circuits, falls apart or strips the thread. More than likely, it is a part, which fails regularly on that particular make and model and, therefore, a manufacturer's design fault. Of course, the failure of the component must be genuine. Do not attempt to return a good component when it was your stupidity that caused you to quote the wrong year / make / model / id number / VIN / Chassis Number / compliance plate number / colour code / interior code in the first place. If you fall into this category, then be advised that you have started a collection of useless car bits. Don't even think about attempting to sell the part back to another wrecker. It will not work. The wreckers have stamped the component with an invisible aura, which only the brotherhood of wreckers can detect. If the part genuinely fails, return with it to the wrecking yard. The wrecker will know immediately your name, address, the car you got the part from and when you purchased it, so a receipt is never necessary. If you exercise correct Wrecking Yard Etiquette in entering the office, the wrecker will have already procured a replacement part for you. Of course, you will have to pay for it all over again, as the fine print in the wrecker's code of ethics points out that..."customer's requests for replacement parts under warranty will be at the wrecker's discretion, which must never be exercised to the customer's benefit under any circumstances". The wrecker will point this fact out to you while accepting your money, and, understandably, you will feel shame and remorse for expecting the wrecker to go against his own brethren's code of ethics. It is good Wrecking Yard Etiquette to offer a healthy honorarium to buy off your guilt at this stage. A good wrecker will always accept graciously. If, however, you storm into the office demanding satisfaction, insisting on a "refund" and generally acting like a real jerk-off, the wrecker will magically produce sufficient small print, damaging evidence and truckloads of proof to warrant your immediate arrest for fraud. No one knows how he or she does this, but they do.

I hope that these words are enlightenment on the sometimes-secret world of Automobile Recycling. Only through perseverance and a fanatical devotion to protocol will you ever feel comfortable in this sometimes-hostile environment. That does not mean your trip to the wrecking yard should be a trial, or be perilous in any way. On the contrary, it should be a joyous occasion, a chance to be close to the denizens of the mysterious and beautiful wrecking yards of our industrial areas. Your encounter with the mystical wrecker should, by following the correct etiquette, fill you with a quasi-religious glow of joy and faith, ensuring your entrance to heaven when you finally die. But fail just once, make one false move, break one unwritten law, and you will be doomed to an existence of everlasting scrounging through hell's pastures collecting rusty self tappers, chromed dome-head nuts and oddly shaped pieces of windscreen glass. Salvation can only come only upon your repentant soul being relinquished by the kindness of the very wrecker you so blatantly and cruelly tried to cheat of an honest living. The procedure for this is written into the wrecker's code of ethics, with the postscript, "...at the proprietor's discretion".