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Stages of Honesty
By Evin O'Ryan
One way to look at honesty is that it develops in four stages. In this model,
the stages are (1) Natural Honesty, (2) Dishonesty, (3) Artificial Honesty,
and (4) Refined Honesty. To become a unified being, you must travel through
all four stages.
Stage One - Natural Honesty ("I want")
When we are born, we are naturally honest. We cry when we are unhappy - to
get what we want or need. We do what we please instinctively. As we develop,
we notice that parents, caregivers, or peers place limits on our desires and
actions. In response, we try new behaviors to get around those restrictions.
Instead of expressing ourselves directly, we move to the next stage. We learn
to become dishonest.
Stage Two - Dishonesty ("They won't let me")
You can sum up dishonesty with three words: *lying*, *cheating*, and
*stealing*, although many subcategories exist. As children develop, they
experiment with these forms of antisocial behavior. Contrary to what
Hollywood often portrays, these negative activities are not virtues. They are
separative. They erode happiness by diminishing our inner peace. You fear
being caught, even if the feeling is subtle or "under control."
Parents or caregivers who desire the child to be an asset to society rather
than a liability address these matters. Children who are old enough to lie
can understand why that behavior is bad. They will lose the trust of others.
If lying becomes a habit, then the child could become alienated, a form of
unhappiness.
Note that true relativists cannot philosophically accept terms like wrong or
right and, consequently, cannot use this system. They are trapped in a maze
where value does not exist.
Children also can understand that cheating is wrong. Humans have a natural
sense of justice and fair play. Cheating - behaving in an underhanded way -
offends this sense and, at some level, will alienate the child.
Lastly, most cultures forbid stealing. Taking something that is not yours
makes you psychologically separate from your victim. Unity, at least for the
thief, is not an option.
Some do not move beyond the Dishonesty stage. They become juvenile
delinquents and grow into career criminals. Some resort to white-collar
crime. Others take their bad habits into public service or any other
profession, thus eroding the public's trust in government or that profession.
Although some dishonest people get rich, others languish in jail. At a more
moderate level, some settle for a life of petty dishonesty, like stealing
supplies from their office or spreading malicious gossip.
If a person who has adapted these negative habits is lucky, fated, or wise,
then he may change. He will try to quit lying. He will refrain from cheating
and stealing. Because these behaviors can be addicting (kleptomania is an
extreme example), he will need a strong will to overcome them. If he decides
to take such a course, then he will enter the next stage.
Stage Three - Artificial Honesty ("Going straight")
Artificial Honesty may sound like an oxymoron. Can you be honest, yet be
faking it? At this stage, an internal struggle takes place - the impulse,
say, to lie versus the desire to be truthful. You are torn, but more often
than not you choose what is right. Honesty, then, is artificial because your
actions do not feel 100% natural.
Here, you begin to understand the value of restraint. The media and some
multinational corporations vigorously promote the opposite attitude. They
suggest, for example: "Just do it" (Nike), "No limits" (Showtime), and
"No
rules" (Outback Steakhouse). You learn, however, that restraint is an aspect
of mastery. It represents conscious choice, not unconscious inhibition. It
builds inner peace.
Ironically, the more you practice Artificial Honesty, the less artificial it
becomes. If you persist, then you will enter the final stage.
Stage Four - Refined Honesty ("Mastering the social self")
Refined Honesty is the heartfelt habit of doing what is right. Acting like
this benefits not only you, but others as well. We are social beings. You
become an asset to your family, community, country, and the world. You are a
good person. The rewards are usually a simpler life, true friends, and a
deeper sense of inner peace or happiness. You are more real.
Refined Honesty is different from Natural Honesty. In the former, the person
has significantly addressed and mastered his selfishness. He restrains
separative impulses and accents unifying behaviors. He takes care of his
needs and supports what he believes is right. Refined Honesty is dynamic, not
passive and can be strong and loving.
Politeness
One way to accent unifying behaviors is by being polite and courteous. These
societal mechanisms are designed for that purpose. They are the oil of social
interactions. Some are drawn into law, like the practical courtesy of using
your turn signal when driving. Like fashion, manners can go in and out of
style.
For instance, some object to a man opening a door for a woman. This courtesy,
though, does not imply that the woman is incapable of opening a door, nor
does it have to be condescending. Instead, courtesy is respect in action:
"Let me serve you." It is important, however, to carry out these acts
consciously. That gives them value. Doing them unconsciously makes them
meaningless. In addition, if they regiment your life too much, they can
become stifling and suppress creativity.
We need not limit ourselves to socially prescribed manners. We can use our
imagination to be kind and thoughtful in new ways. Creative kindness is fun
and is appreciated by almost everyone. (This kind of fun is different from
"party" fun; although both have value, the former has a more profound
effect.) The point, then, is to use any means to express genuine love and
respect, to enjoy doing it, and not to become a slave to those forms.
Some, of course, act courteously to take advantage of others. Dishonest
people may use any means to reach their ends. However, two criteria define
the value of a polite action: the intent of the action and the degree that it
considers the feelings of others. Just because some abuse these useful
mechanisms is no reason to discard them.
Rudeness
Rudeness - a form of Natural Honesty distorted by self-righteousness - is the
opposite of politeness. You "tell the truth" to express your anger or
frustration. Its effect is separative.
At any moment, there are many truths that you can share. For instance, you
are standing at the counter in the post office. A foot fungus is making your
toe itch. In addition, you are a little pressed for time. The clerk, who you
know only casually, asks, "How are you doing?" You could "tell the
truth" and
say pointedly, "Just do your job. I'm in a hurry." Or, you could describe, in
biological detail, how the foot fungus is affecting your toe. Alternatively,
you could say, "I'm doing OK." That describes how you perceive your emotional
state rather than your physical condition.
Chances are, the clerk would prefer if you went with the "I'm feeling OK"
answer. However, you never know. Follow your spirit. The point is that you
have several truths to choose from, and you can pick the best one to use.
Honesty and Happiness
Happiness is a result of inner peace. Only if we are rooted in our integrity
can we sustain happiness, because dishonesty destroys inner peace. For
example, when we are dishonest, we must hide something. This makes us
defensive or offensive, because we fear someone could expose our action. In
this state, inner peace cannot exist.
Although we need not expect to become perfectly honest, we can strive for it.
Perfect honesty may be unreachable, because we are continually changing. You
can view improvement as an open-ended process - you can always be more honest
and more real.
As we evolve, we understand this: We are happier when we are honest than when
we are dishonest. And our happiness contributes to unity. When we are happy,
we can give of ourselves more freely than when something inside is troubling
us. In this way, honesty is essential to becoming a unified being - a person
who is at one with the world. This oneness is a birthright of everyone. We
must, however, be willing to claim it.
By Evin O'Ryan
Evin O'Ryan is a minister of the
Starbuilders, an outreach project of the
Universal Life Church. He has been active in the New Age Movement since the
70's, when he lived at Findhorn and then stayed with a Sufi group in London.
He then studied under the direction of a Great Master of the Rosicrucians for
15 years.
His main focus now includes unity and the raising of consciousness. These two
activities, he believes, can bring peace and harmony into an individual's
life and, as a result, make the world a better place.
More info at: www.starbuilders.org or click here to email
Evin.
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