Matt Zania

1. The anti-Christ will rise to power lulling the world to sleep with soccer.
2. The "new tolerance" will pick up even more power resulting in the eagle being dropped as the national bird in favor of a penguin. The penguin is flight impaired and is black and white. Experts agree the eagle perpetuates favoring white headed aggressive birds who control everything in the aviary world.
3. Cornerstone University receives a national award for the high quality of its cafeteria food.
4. Jon Donehoo will again be force fed a volleyball by yours truly.
5. Erik Douglas perfects "cold fusion". The formula will be hopelessly lost, however, when Brad Graham saves it for him on his Palm Pilot and never figures out how to retrieve it.
6. Z-Mail sued by the Testamint company. Upon losing I am force fed mints until I have eaten every verse of the New Testament.
7. Josh Goad arrested. He has broken no known law so authorities create an absurdity statute and give him life. Travis Ault convicted on same offense pleads insanity and wins acquittal.
8. Liberal scholars release new version of the Bible. Renamed "Bible II", Jesus loses deification and is depicted as a construction general contractor with clever things to say. Peter and John are buddies who help him form a gang that perform "miracles" instead of spray painting buildings and extorting money. The scholars hope to make it into a sitcom with John the Baptist as the crazy neighbor, and Pontius Pilate as the domineering boss. Fox network picks up the rights for TV and moves the Holy Land to Hawaii.
9. Keanu Reeves runs for President. His campaign slogan is "whoa, being pres would be cool." He is defeated by Ty Beanie Baby - Glory the Bear. Vice President is Pokeman.
10. Y2K destroys world military power's equipment. Syria becomes new super power. I mysteriously disappear only to have someone who looks remarkably like me emerge as Syria's new president.