Autumn Murray

1. George W. Bush (Shrub) will only mispronounce 5 words in his State of the Union address. America will be shocked it was only 5.
2. Al Gore will become the dean of Harvard and consider a rerun in 2004--but will decide against it when they find a loop hole in the Constitutiuon and Clinton can run again!
3. All I have to say is Yankees, Yankees, Yankees, Yankees!
4. A-Rod will break wrist in Spring Training and won't be able to play another game. Texans riot in the streets.
5. I will get an "A" in Criminal Law, Family Law, and Politicial Science 310 and get the scholarship that will allow me to work part-time and still afford school.
6. I will meet Phillip Palmer!!!
7. Burrelle's will continue to be the number one press clipping service in the world. Chaz will pay his employees what they're worth.
8. Derek will get into Yale and upon graduation will move back to Minnesota and kick Jesse V. out of leadership and become the governor of the Land o' Lakes.
9. There will be no surprise weddings--I just couldn't handle any more of those.
10. Jeff will find the woman of his dreams and run away to Vegas with her.

Dinty Musk

1. 1. These picks will be less warmly received than last year's picks. The slowing U.S. economy, Al Gore's dorkhood, and food shortages worldwide will actually be the cause, but Dinty J. Musk Jr.'s lackluster 2001 predictions will be named as the reason for worldwide famine, disease, hunger, and religious intolerance. In protest, Benny Hinn will attempt to mow him down with a Holy Ghost machine gun. His breastplate of righteousness will need weeks of repairs as a result. During this time of no righteousness, he will join the cast of the MTV hit show "Undressed" with Katie Miller. Within one week, he will have slept with all the women on the show (at once). Nick Goad, new leader of the Moral Majority, will then endlessly razz him with choruses of "dood, dood!"
2. A full recount of all Florida votes will be enacted under the National Freedom of Information Act. Ballots will be recounted literally hundreds of times until a final tally shows that Al Gore actually won the State of Florida and its electoral votes in an 89% to 3% landslide over G.W. Bush. Oddly, Ralph Nader and Patty Buchanan are absent from the final 8% of the tally in favor of vast numbers of write-ins for candidates such as: I.B. Cheating, A.G. Rules, A. Blunt Stylus, Chad B. Fake, and Rob Berry.
3. In his first semester of graduate studies at Northwestern University, Ph.D. candidate Dinty J. Musk Jr. discovers a new gene in his own DNA bereft of consensus sequences and possessing unique enhancers whose substrates constitute the exact lipidic structure of the fat-rich spread "Nutella." The gene turns out to be analagous to the recently discovered "Indy" (I'm not dead yet) gene in the fruit fly Drosophila melanogaster (first reported in Science Magazine, December 14, 2000). As a result, average human lifespan increases threefold and Joyce Musk quits using the excuse "Honey, I am 51 years old" to justify a sedentary existence. Dinty is given his Ph.D in 7 months, is awarded the Nobel Prize in medicine, and his Molecular Genetics instructor Dr. Jeff Regier becomes both proud and insanely jealous.
4. The Beatles' new album of hits introduces a young generation to the true dawn of Rock n' Roll. James Brown vehemently argues against this and proclaims himself the true "King of Rock." Elvis also comes out of hiding at a healthy 534 pounds to claim the crown as his own. MTV's show Celebrity Deathmatch will then schedule a pay per view contest to settle the debate. Since the combatants and crown are actually made of clay, nobody watches and nothing is settled.
5. Unfortunately, the Backstreet Boys will meet a cruel fate at the hands of their own fans. Their new album title, "Black and Blue," will be interpreted literally by hundreds of 12 year old girls and the "Boys" will be flogged mercilessly. Jesse Jackson will lead a silent protest to object to the young women treating these no-talent clowns so fairly. They will subsequently be tarred and feathered.
6. In a shocking development to contemporary Christian music, Carman Liciardello(Carman) crosses over into hardcore rock. His lyrics are judged as so obscene that Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie appear on The O'Reilly Factor to plead with Carman not to dispense such filth to the youth of the world. Carman agrees and the three collaborate on a new album of Presbyterian Hymns to commemorate the occasion. The members of Rage Against the Machine become outraged at their exclusion from the album and decry the bigwigs of the Christian Music industry as "worldly."
7. Jon (Tiny) Donehoo becomes a national sex symbol and is featured on the cover of virtually every adolescent female magazine after appearing in whipped cream boxers to dance for Springer Break on MTV. Conversely, many men will be made physically ill by this, and will choose never to watch television again. This will cause a major revival in our country.
8. The wildly unpopular film "Charlie's Angels" will be the jumping board for an even more ridiculous and wildly unpopular sequel. Oddly, after the first dismal week of sales, couples will start attending the movie in higher numbers in theatres everywhere, hoping to find a quiet make-out spot. As a result, theatres nationwide will institute a new hand-check policy in which movies are briefly interrupted and lights turned on every five minutes to check for those who are naughty.
9. Graduation at Taylor University appears to proceed normally until graduating senior Dinty Musk Jr., spurred on by the cheers of the Taylor University Chorale, begins two-handed looping his yoyos after receiving his diploma and servant leader towel. Walt Campbell, dean of students, tackles Dinty and takes away his yoyos. Dinty sobs uncotrollably.
10. Marty Coaker, thinking wisely in the context of last year's camping fiasco, decides to bring multiple pairs of flight headsets so Dinty and he can sleep well amid the shuffling of married couples at every side of their thin-walled tent. Park rangers will ask the Goad couple to quit acting like they are on honeymoon. The ensuing laughter from Martin and Dinty will be so fierce it will cause both to require emergency appendectomies. Rob Slager will perform both surgeries with a steak knife.